10 things that advertising has taught me.

Ranvir Singh wanders everywhere with a condom in hand. #DoTheSex

Even Anil Kapoor is invited for a boat party! #CumOnMyBoat

Katrina is dating an Aam and fantasizes touching it. #AamAsutra

Zoozoos are nothing but, the human versions on mars. #WhyGreyBackground

Also, Zoozoos are relatives of Sharad Pawar. #NoOneUnderstandsWhatTheySay

Congress has spent all the money accumulated through various scams in this LS elections. #HarHaathSaktiHarHaathTharki #ThatsRight

IPL’s “Bulava Aaya Hai” campaign was actually devised to tease Modi. #ItsLalitNotNarendra

Now you don’t have to earn it to have it. #BournWildShouldBeTheNewCampaign

Jo Tera Hai Who Mera Hai. #ButMeraMeraHaiAirtel

Salman always wanted to do something toofani, but many of his girlfriends have declined it beforehand. #ThumpsUpSalman

Kar Ke Dekho, Accha Lagta Hai (NoPunIntended)

A glimpse at the title and you know what this is about. Donating blood isn’t something you’ll dream about, even if it’s the scariest of all dreams. Yeah, there are some things that happen for the first time in your life. And this is one of them. Trust me; the actual time when you’re sleeping on a bed for blood donation isn’t that excruciating than the mental thought process that goes till your time comes. 

It isn’t a tedious process, but I’ll surely make it look like one. First you have to fill a form, wherein you’ve to tick several diseases that you’ve suffered. Basically, there are two options (tick on ‘Yes’ or ‘No’). No, it’s not like those CET exam papers, wherein you take god’s name and start ticking whichever option comes to your mind first. A wrong tick and there goes your chance of donating blood. And while you are filling the form, in the back of your mind you’ll visualize a sharp needle piercing your hand. This picture will compel you to tick on the wrong window for a moment. Is that discomforting? There’s more to it! 

Then you’re asked to check your blood group. You enter a small cubicle and there’s an old sister waiting for you. She asks you all sorts of questions, like the doctor does when you see him to cursb your fever or cold. The questions will be something like, Aapne Chaar Ghante Pehle Kuch Khaaya? Kya Aap Daaru Peete Ho? By this time you feel you’ve come to a dietician, who’ll suggest you a diet after blood donation. But that’s not how it goes. She takes out a syringe and pricks the tip of your left hand’s ring finger. Once she’s done with checking your blood group, she tells you whether you can donate blood or can’t. 

This is the time the actual wait starts. You are asked to rest your ass for some time in the waiting area. You’ll find people who’ve donated blood, sitting beside you, sipping coffee and eating biscuit (that’s the only thing that you’ll get). People who feel dizzy are asked to lie down for some time. Looking at them, you’ll surely feel nauseated. If you dared to ask the person sitting beside you about his experience, you’ll abhor yourself for doing that. 

Alas! Your time comes! They summon you and you proceed, taking baby steps towards that still and dead bed. You witness there are few more beds with a few souls occupying them. The doctor asks you to lie down on the bed. You close your eyes and wait for the needle to pierce your veins. It’s just a second’s game and you don’t even realize that the needle has gone in! Whoever thinks like that, has never donated blood. It does pain, but not the way you were thinking it to be. 

It’s not the end yet! It’s time for some party with coffee and biscuit. The hospital feels that it’s their job to give you royal treatment after they’ve taken almost half a litre of your blood. Must say that the coffee at Bombay Hospital isn’t bad! With that you’re given a Parle G biscuit packet. This is what sucks the most. Come on yaar, I’ve given 450ml (to be specific) of my adulterated blood, don’t I deserve a Dark Fantasy!  

To make these blood donation camps a hit overall. They should have a new tagline… Tum Humne Khoon Do, Hum Tumhe Coffee Aur Biskoot Denge. 

Universal Friend

He’s my best friend.

He enlightens me each and every day.

No matter day or night, he’s always there for me.

From dawn till the dusk, he’s there.

24/7, 365 days, he’s there for me.

He has no expectations from me.

He keeps me company when I’m alone.

He’s the one who guides me, whenever I stop at something.

Even if I pause, he comes up with several solutions.

Most of them which are really hilarious.

But… He runs on electricity.

And the world knows him by the name… Google.

I’ve no time for ME!

Me to Myself: Can I spend some time with you?

Myself to Me: Yes, sure give me 5 minutes.

After fifteen minutes…

Me to Myself: Hey 15 minutes have past.

Myself to Me: Oh, I’m really late for office. How about once I return from office?

Me to Myself: Ok. As you wish.

After coming home back from office…

Me to Myself: Hi, How was the day?

Myself to Me: So fucking hectic, man.

Me to Myself: Do you have some time for me now?

Myself to Me: I’ve to prepare a PowerPoint presentation. Have a client meeting. Can we shift it to tomorrow?

Me to Myself: You sure you’ll get time tomorrow?

Myself to Me: Oh yeah. Of course.

The next day nothing changes. It’s the same.

Nowadays, people have become so busy in making money that they don’t have time for themselves. All they want is Increment, Promotion, BIG salary, Business trips, Promotion, More business trips, and it goes on…

P.S.: This post is actually the idea of Ankeet Patel. He’s a phenomenal writer but doesn’t believe in publishing his stuff. He’s too shy for that matter.

It's Punny

You know that Korean pop singer? He’s too Psy in person.

World ended: But I’m still living

They said, “Coming 2012, the world’s going to shut down.”

Earthquakes, Hurricanes, Volcanoes, Tsunami

Every possible disaster will embrace the world

Taking out every single breath, our bodies will be left numb

Some paid heed to it, while some laughed it off

Some prayed, prayed hard, while others enjoyed

Because, they have just few days in hand

I kept wondering with several questions wandering in my head

“Why is the world ending?”

“Is the almighty so pissed off on us?”

“But father never leaves his children to die, isn’t it?”

“How can the world end?”

“Will all the humans die?” I mean for real

“Who will end it?”

“Someone whom no one has ever seen?”

And the day arrived

There was nothing new about it

Sun rose from the east as usual

People didn’t bother about what’s going to happen

Maybe they were too busy making a living

Or did the sight of annihilation, get flushed out of their psyche?

The day ended, but not actually

I guess the calculations went wrong

Or maybe the Yamraj had gone on strike

Or was he sent to some other planet to pick up the consignment?

Nevertheless I had a great day at work, nothing new to talk about

Besides, everyone discussing about world

At least for once

Sleep summoned me as the clock ticked 12

And there I was in my bed

Dreaming again

About everything but not the end

Ma(a)The(y)Ran – with friends…

Have you ever been for a trek? No, I don’t mean a walk to some zoo over here, actual trekking. If you’ve been to Matheran, Sanjay Gandhi National Park in Borivali or Tungareshwar, then you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Matheran is the perfect getaway for those who love trekking. But the worse part of Matheran is the travel (I know it sounds contradictory). The government has closed online reservation for mini toy train and you’re forced to stand in a queue for at least 2hours (on weekends). And after standing in the line, there’s absolutely zero guarantee that you’ll get a ticket from Neral station to Matheran. There are just two options you have, to get to Matheran. You can either take the toy (which is waste of time) or take the Omni (agents are already on the search for people on station) which will drop you at Aman Lodge (Entrance of the Matheran). Matheran is approximately 11 Kms. from Neral Station and if you think you can take the tracks (toy train one) then you got to be kidding.

From here on you have to walk for almost 25 - 30 minutes to reach Matheran Junction

As per our (Ankeet, Neoma, Yvonne and me) plan, we were supposed to reach Matheran around 10am, but in vain. To reach Neral station we boarded the Deccan Express (Intercity is preferable though). After getting down at Neral, little did we knew that we would have to stand in line for almost 2 ½ hour and when we were in front of the counter, it shuts down! So, we are left with two options: either wait for the next train (which was around 12:30) or take the cab, omni or whatever we get to reach Matheran. We chose the latter option. Also, we were planning to follow the tracks, which could have been horrific. A travel agent hovered around us and was sure that we would pay heed to his advice about taking the cab rather than standing for more 2 hours.

If you don't prefer to walk you can also take the toy train from Aman Lodge to Matheran Junction

We had planned for an over night trip and had zeroed down to book the hotel or cottage once we reach the place. The agent also gave us a good deal on our stay, so that was sorted. Within 45 minutes we were at the entrance of Matheran. Cutting Chai (Tea) works the best when you’re exhausted (that’s what most of the people in Mumbai say). We had tea and moved on to step on the red soil of Matheran. After walking for about more 45 minutes, we reached Matheran Station, where the toy train halts. I fished out an envelope from my pocket on which the name and number of Narayan was written. Narayan was the person who was supposed to guide us to our room. Once in our room and after Narayan briefed us, we freshened up and had our lunch (yes, the clocked ticked somewhere around 1:30pm). After filling our tummies, we had a nap and then started our trek to the Porcupine Point (Sunset Point).

If you’re planning to go to Matheran, then let me warn you that the route to any point has several other diversions. One road might end up with two diversions, and those two might divert into four more. Also, the red soil is too dusty. It’s good to go out in shorts. After walking incessantly, asking people for direction, we reached Echo Point (God knows why it’s called Echo Point. If you call out anyone’s name from there, it’ll be hopeless to wait for your voice to return). We visited 2 points (Echo and Sunset) and unfortunately, there was little difference between the two (At Echo Point there was this Gola wala, which was missing at the latter point). One thing that I can boast is that we got to see the sunset! We reached the point around 6:10pm (that’s the perfect time when the sun sets). And from then on it started getting dark gloomy, so we had to move. If there wouldn’t have been other people with us, we would have lost the track back to out room. If you feel it’s getting too dark, then you can take the horse ride back to the market (It’s safe and convenient). 

Horse rides are available at every point

Hey, can you see the sun setting?

Till the time we reached our room, we were completely exhausted and hungry, too. After having a wash, we took half an hour nap and then headed to the best place to have food in Matheran. Ironically, the best places in Matheran were our room and Matheran Restaurant! From authentic Non-Veg to Veg, you’ll find everything here. When complimented for food, Zamir Kazi (owner) said that they are planning to extend the business and have something like Bade Miya (Yes, the one which is behind Taj Hotel, Mumbai). So, next time when I go there, I’ll get to enjoy chicken and mutton rolls! 

The famous Matheran Restaurant

That's me with Zamir Kazi (Owner of Matheran Restaurant )

If I had to rate this restaurant out of 10, it would be:

Ambiance – 9

Food (Quality & Quantity) – 10

Service – 9

After our dinner, we got into our room and switched on the TV. Yes, it was somewhere around 10pm. Nothing intriguing was going on so we had no other option but to watch BIGG BOSS Finale (Yes, the same house where people who sit idle at their home are brought and dumped here!). Due to excursion, all were tired and fell asleep within an hour.

Our next day plan was to get up as early as possible and head towards Sunrise Point. We all wanted to see the sun rise in front of us, but no one got up before 8am. Once all were up, we went out to have breakfast (No, unfortunately we didn’t go to Matheran restaurant) and then on we did our shopping. We bought Fudge, Chikki, Jam and other specialties of Matheran.

Come what, we had decided to board the toy train to Neral station. We had the idea that if we stand in the queue at 2pm, we’ll get the tickets for 4:30pm toy train. So, we divided ourselves into two teams. We asked the girls to go and pack their bags, while I and Ankeet stood in the line. There were many people trying to get in between the line by hook or crook. A couple of them also asked me whether I can buy a ticket for them. Standing in that tedious line, I learned that if I allowed someone to come in between, I would shun a person from getting a ticket, who’s standing in the line for almost 2 hours. We didn’t allow anyone to let in and we ourselves didn’t do it. Once we got the tickets in our hands, we felt like we’ve won a battle (Not actually). I’m sure there must have been many of them who had to go walking till the entrance (Aman Lodge) and from there on take a cab, because that was the last mini train to Neral station.

Once we locked our room, we handed over the keys and headed towards the junction to take our seats in the train. If you ever visit Matheran, you should enjoy the train ride while going or coming (at least once). I had my balls in my mouth, when I peeped down the deep valley as the train moved down. Also, you’ll get a glimpse of huge Ganesha idol somewhere down the route to Neral station. We reached the station around 7pm (almost 2 hours). The time taken to reach station is equivalent to the time that you have to stand in the line for tickets. How ironic!

From left to right: Me, Ankeet, Yvonne and Neoma

P.S.: I told my family that I’m going to Kolad for company’s induction program… Ssshh…